Xtastidy

The last entry was one hundred percent true. I am all of those things. I also have stopped giving a fuck about everything. I've gone 100 % NUMB. But on the course of numbness, someone was watching, when I thought he wasn't. Today he saw me drowning, and he instinctively reached out his hand to catch me. The key to happiness, to getting what you want: Be unaware Don't care Don't Believe That way, when the fog settles down and all you hear is the low hum of electricity and the flapping wings of birds, the person waiting to embrace you is standing right in front of you Arms stretched wide A lovely surprise. Lovely indeed.

When my pain turns to anger, I'm a forever a meany? When I'm mean because I'm sad, does that make me confused? When I'm confused for my past, present and future, does that mean I'm doomed? When I'm doomed to a life of lonelyness, am I better off? When I'm a solitary person does that make me a hermit? When I'm a hermit because I'm scared, does that make me a pussy? When I'm a pussy because I'm tired of being hurt, does that make me worthless? When I'm worthless because I'm crippled by my own mind, am I forever broken? When aware of my brokeness does that make me better off? When will I be better? When will you get off?

Seeing as the way of the world has been shoving broomsticks up my ass since 1995, I've lost all hope for my life. Seeing as every guy I've ever been withe (except for one) has decided to dip these broomsticks in battery acid, I've decided I'm better off completely alone for my last year until I can get to San Francisco (bigger bridge). Seeing as I'm making my decision to live this last year as a recluse, all friends and people I know have been pushed away. Seeing as how my actions have not had an affect on anyone but my best friend (who is more loving than I had originally thought) I look like a fucking asshole. But seeing as the love I